Have you tried a dating site to try to get some direction back in your life? After years of social exclusion — when it is a wrench to even leave your home and a challenge to speak to someone you don’t know… Could a dating website offer a way to make some positive changes in your life?
When most of your life is spent in hopelessness, can meeting new people help to build some self-esteem? When life is enriched by the questionable elation of having a clean toilet for the first time in six months, can searching for that special someone lift the spirits?
My Psychiatric Nurse advised I find some way to meet some people. Living on benefits I recoil from the chasm of financial insecurity caused by almost any plan to voluntarily spend money on anything, let alone meeting new people… Anxiety disorder turns normality into fear, turns hope into terror.
But after months of encouragement, I joined a dating website. Here I will share that experience with you, for what it was. I will try to explain how I engaged with some websites promising much, tried to protect my fragile confidence, tried to be as honest as I could and what happened.
Looking for a fresh start can be a dangerous thing. Expecting kindness is often foolish. Honesty is rare and much misunderstood. Often illusions are safer, and not just for people who suffer from mental illness.
I will start by explaining why after two years of involuntary separation from the woman I love did I eventually decide to look for a new love. Everything seems to be connected (or detached) in depression. When I first got ill at the start of 2009 I little thought that within a few years I would lose my marriage, soulmate, family, home, job, career, self-respect, confidence, happiness, well-being and health.
But it was still a shock to hear that my ex had got engaged to be married. That she and my son had spent Christmas Day with someone else in my home, after denying me any access to them for more than two years.
Finding myself thoroughly researching how to commit suicide without pain created no such shock, just deeper numbness. Enduring four months when society seemed determined to kill me by withholding all benefits became just a daily nightmare. Crying for hours every day was the new normality. Sleeping on average 15 hours a day, or not at all. No surprise.
I have accepted the black dog in my life and nurture my new pet. So why did I join a dating website? The truth is that I actually had nothing to lose. I entered the search expecting nothing, taking an empty glass into the desert. It is just another day and way of stopping living. Like Tuesday or this Saturday.
Next: is there life after loneliness?